Living With Fear

FEAR.

There is so much emotion tied up in the word fear. I know it well, for fear and I have lived together a long time. Sometimes through Christ I'm an overcomer, sometimes fear overcomes me.

Dan and I have been married for ten and a half years now. A couple years ago I had determined that we would take our first "alone" trip for our 10th anniversary. It was my idea, and I thought it was a great one. Until it came time to go. Then FEAR hit. Those of you who live with fear know why I capitalized it. Fear can be a huge thing. Debilitating.

Satan started hurling fear spears at me. First, it was the fact that no one can watch my children as well as me. If something happened to one of them while I away, I would never forgive myself for going. I was becoming consumed with these thoughts, and they all started with, "what ifs." None of it was reality. Which is how fear comes. I finally came to terms with the fact that God can take better care of my children then I ever can. Peace filled my heart. I knew I wanted to spend this time with my husband, focusing on who we are. I was at rest, ready to go.....

Then the thoughts started again, "What if we die?!" You know, in a car wreck, or on the river, or in a mud slide, or on the trail ride, or, or, or, or..... Who will take care of my children? It's not fair for us to go and take that chance. We shouldn't go. We'll just stay home.

Fear wants to win. Every time. It wants to keep us from living. It wants to keep us from good gifts from God. It wants to make our minds crazy.

And it can.

I decided to go. I wasn't going to let fear win. I was going to have a good time.

Then Dan decided we were going to raft the Ocoee River. We had previously rafted part of it 10 years ago. Before kids. He decided that we were going to raft the whole thing, including the part that is a bit more intense. Satan threw a huge fear dart at me. I was scared to death. The fear of rafting this river was worse than the other fears I had been dealing with. I would wake up at night and not be able to sleep because I was so worried that something would happen to us on this river. I didn't want to go.

I know this whole scenario sounds silly to most of you. I've had those same thoughts. I've seen people have a fear of going to new places, so much so that they just don't go. Fear of meeting new people, fear of trying new things, fear of change. All these things sound very silly to me. My advice is, "Get over it, and just do it."

I found myself in this place. The place of, "I don't think I can get over this and just do it. I'm scared to death. I'm just going to stay home"  This was a new fear for me, usually adventure only has to call my name once.

So, I told Dan that I wasn't going to go. I had already overcome great fear to come on this trip and I was done. "I'm staying back," I told him. He looked at me and said, "No you're not. You're not going to let fear rule your life."  My thought was, "What's new? It already does."

But, I don't want it to. I want Jesus to take it away. You know what I found out though? The fear didn't go away. Not for lack of praying for sure. Every day I fought the battle in my mind. I didn't want Satan to win. I don't want fear to be in charge of what I do. I want Christ to overcome fear through me.

I have learned a few things over the last week. Jesus Christ doesn't always take away our problems. Sometimes I think He allows things in our lives so that we remember that we need Him. How soon I can forget that I need Him! I am reminded of Paul when he said, "And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure." 2 Cor. 12:7

Fear. It's my "thorn in the flesh." I reminds me daily I need God. It causes me to cry out to Him. It makes me realize that I without Him, I CANNOT be.

Now the rest of the story. I took Dan's advice. (And my own to other people.) I moved forward. The fear was not gone, but I chose to go anyway. Sometimes we have to step out even when we're fearful. I went rafting. It was great fun. And then my fears came to pass. Something went wrong as we were surfing a rapid. Four people were sucked out of our boat. I looked around and saw everyone but Dan. I couldn't find him. Then we saw his helmet come up, but that was all, his head didn't surface. Even as I write this the emotions I felt come welling up inside me again. He was caught in a hydraulic undertow, and he couldn't get out. Two years ago a 38 year old man drowned on this river in a circumstance like that. I was scared to death. Then the water, an angel, God, something, suddenly spit him out and he swam gasping to the side of the boat.

And I knew something. God is greater than fear. God is greater than circumstances. God is in control. I am not,  I cannot, I never will be. Even when our fears come to pass, God is still greater. Even when Satan brings fear, God still determines the final outcome. God is the only One who knows the future and God is holding me in His hand. I live with fear. Sometimes daily. And daily, I am reminded that I need a Saviour.

I would much rather write about the amusing things of life, things that make me smile and  laugh. But this is part of this thing called life too.This is my everyday life.