I am 7, my family has traveled to a big city and we are about to ride up an elevator in the mall. My heart starts beating faster and I begin to sweat. My parents assure me that it's perfectly safe to get on the elevator. I am sure it is not. The thoughts start swirling in my head - "We're going to get stuck in there." "Forever." "It's going to be dark; the lights are going to go out." "I'm going to be thirsty!" "If the dark doesn't kill me, the thirst will." "No one will ever find us." The more irrational thoughts I have, the more the anxiety builds. I'm a wreck by the time we actually step into the elevator. I don't think I will survive the ride to the third floor.
I am 10, my little sister is 4 and is playing in the yard. She has been outside for 20 minutes when my mom sends me to check on her. I don't see her in the front yard. My heart starts racing. I don't see her in the side yard, I start sweating. I don't see her in the backyard, I go into hysterics. Real live, uncontrollable hysterics. I am sure she is kidnapped. We will never find her and our family will never be the same. I am sure of it, and the only response I can muster is hysterics.
I am 12, my mom leaves me at home while she runs up to the grocery store. I am in the yard and I am panicking. My heart is racing and I am shaking. I watch my mom drive off and the irrational thoughts in my head start swirling - "My mom's leaving me." "She's never coming back!" "What will I do?" "I can't stay here by myself!" I begin to cry, and the shakes become violent.
These are not isolated incidents. Things like this happened frequently during my childhood. I'm laying it bare, and I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to see it in black and white. These are the things I try not to remember. Tears are in my eyes and my heart aches as I think of that little girl and the fears that held her captive. Held me captive.
That's how it feels - like captivity. When you are in captivity, everything is out of your control. You don't want to be there, but there you are. You wish it away, but it doesn't go away. Sometimes it's too much to bear. You wish someone could help you, but no one really knows how.
I am no longer that anxious child. I am an adult who still fights fear at times, but I am not held captive by it. Fear does not overcome me anymore. There is hope for the anxious child, and there are ways we can help -
1. Be very patient. There is no overnight fix for anxieties. It most often takes lots of time and maturity. Realize this and accept it. This is very important. If you are constantly frustrated with your child for "not just getting over it" this will hurt your relationship with your child and do NOTHING to improve the anxieties. A child with anxieties requires lots of patience and kindness. And time. I was a teenager before my anxieties improved. But they eventually did.
2. Never make fun of a child with anxieties. Do not laugh at them. ever. This can be hard because irrationalities can be funny. The anxious child needs to know that you are on their side, and that you are the one person not laughing at them. It feels like the world is against you when you are fearing something, and a parent who can calmly say, "I understand, I am here for you and we are going to walk through this together" is invaluable to that child. Hold them. Hug them. Be there for them.
3. Give your child opportunities to be in the situation that causes them anxieties with a protector. If your child is deathly afraid of water, don't throw them in alone and tell them there's nothing to be afraid of. Walk in with them. Small steps at a time. Let them feel the water while holding your hand. If your child fears strangers, don't make them go to that birthday party alone, or drop them off at Bible school where they don't know anyone. Go with them. Don't stand by their side the whole time, but make sure when they look around, that they can find you. This may seem like coddling, but for a child with true anxieties it is not. It is training. It is learning that the thing that causes them fear is not as dangerous as they believe in their mind. I would have probably had a heart attack if my parents had made me ride an elevator alone as a child. But they didn't. Each tine they went with me to assure me of the safety of it. And guess what? It's not my favorite activity, but I do get on elevators by myself now.
4. Tell them truths. Over and over and over. Anxieties are most often very irrational. The thoughts in a child's head become more and more irrational the more worked up they become. If you can counteract these irrational thoughts with truths, it will help. My daughter has anxieties over storms. We've never been in a tornado, but she is sure every time it begins to rain that we are about to be blown away by one. Taking the time each time to tell her the truth about the situation helps curb the anxious feelings. We talk about the safely of our home, how to watch for the kinds of storms that are actually dangerous, what the plan will be if we have a bad storm, etc. She has started reminding herself of these truths when a storm starts, and it helps keep her calmer. Do NOT tell your child their fears are irrational. They know that, but they can't help it. In a calm voice tell them the truths about the thing they fear.
5. And most importantly, don't ever, ever, ever leave God out of the equation. The Bible promises that "perfect love casts out fear." The only One with perfect love is God. And He is the only One that can make true lasting changes in your child. Pray for your child daily. Encourage your child to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Knowing God as I grew up is one of the only things that have helped me overcome my anxieties. Quote Scripture to your child. This is vital. God's Word will not return to Him void, and it is true and living. I believe that because I have lived it. Every time I would have anxieties my mom would say to me, "Remember what God says, Honey." And then she would quote, "What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." I've said that verse so many times until I've lived it true in my life. And true it is. Introduce your child to the One that calmed the storms and conquered death.
Don't give up. It will take time, but there is hope for an anxious child.
No comments:
Post a Comment