I felt that the story needed a follow up - a continuation of my story. It's taken me a awhile to process, but, here it is -
In March last year when I wrote about depression, I was coming out of the darkest period of my life. I've learned a few things since then.
First, you don't come out of a severe depression quickly. Healing takes time. I wanted to be "normal" immediately, and that just doesn't happen.
Second, you see life differently because your life is now different. I remember saying to my husband off and on over the last year, "Do you think I'm back to normal?" He would always give me the same response, "I'm waiting to see if this is your new normal." New normal. I didn't particularly want a "new normal," but that's what it is. I look at life differently because of the challenges I went through. My emotional state is still weak even though I like to think it's not.
Changes are not all bad though. Because you look at life differently, you see people differently. You are better able to be understanding of the challenges others are facing around you. Your "Jesus eyes" develop a little more.
Third, my relationship with God is different. About a month after I had written this post last year, I got sick. Not just your normal head cold, but really sick. For a month. Just when I felt like I was healing emotionally, my body became so sick that I thought I might never be well again. I took an antibiotic that I had a bad reaction to on top of already being sick. I started having severe anxieties again. It seemed like I was spiraling down into the same spot I had been that previous December. I'm not telling this story to get sympathy, but to help you understand where I was with God at this time.
I was crying all the time again. My sweet mom or sister would come and sit with me when Dan wasn't home because it was hard for me to be alone. I remember one day particularly well. I was lying on the couch feeling awful and just crying. My mom was sitting across the room in the rocker talking to me, and trying to help me figure out what was going on.. She looked at me and said, "You're not doubting God, are you?"
The question took my breath away. No one had asked me that, but.....
I had been, and I thought it was too awful to admit. My God, who has been there every step of the way my entire life, was the very God that now every day I was wondering if He was even real.
I looked at her and through even more tears let the words spill out of my soul,
"Yes, every day, YES."
"I doubt the existence of God, I doubt my salvation, I doubt God's love for me because why would I be dealing with all of this if He was there and loved me?"
And then I cried some more.
My mom didn't give me any answers that day. She just let me cry and tell the dark truths of my heart. But after that day I began to be able to process my agonizing thoughts. Instead of just doubts, I begin to ask myself real questions -
"If there is no God, how would it affect me?"
"If everything I believed to be true was not, then what?"
"What would life look like without God?"
And, Oh, how my heart begin to answer me!
It cried back in anguish -
Without God....
I can't make it through ONE day
Without God.....
The loneliness and longing for God would be UNBEARABLE
Without God....
I have nothing to LIVE for
Without God.....
I am NOTHING
Without God....
I. HAVE. NO. HOPE.
......and without hope, there is no living
Then one day, I stood up and shouted quiet in my heart -
"There is no WITHOUT GOD!"
God is.
The Bible is true. God is real. Jesus Christ saves us from death.
Hope is back.
Healing has come.
Without God there is no hope - with God life is beautiful.
The Bible says if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Believing in God takes faith, but our lives are built on faith. Faith in something. May we not have faith in ourselves and our own beliefs, but in the only true God and Jesus Christ. Then, no matter what life looks like we truly live.
