So here I am. I'm not really sure how to start this post, or exactly what to say. It's one of those things that I don't particularly want to write about, but I don't think God allows things in our lives unless we learn something from them, and can hopefully encourage someone else along the way.
Besides that, I'm willing to lay myself bare if it can help you avoid where I've been.
It started about a year ago now. It came on so slowly that I didn't even recognize it. Just like a cancer that ever so subtly eats at a body, it began to eat at my soul.
I began to feel restless. I wanted to move, change jobs, try a new place.
I felt overwhelmed. I began to feel like a failure at everything. I was sure that I was a failure at homeschooling. We were having some problems with my son, and I began to doubt that I could even parent my own children
I've always been a busy person with a hand in many different projects at once. Suddenly I didn't feel like I was able to do the things that I always did before.
My brother moved away. My baby sister left for a year long mission trip. I got a kidney stone that gave me trouble for four months. My dad was diagnosed with cancer. My other baby sister got married.
I was an emotional train wreck.
The more time that passed, the worse it got. I started to doubt God, my salvation, and the Bible. When you began to doubt your Rock, your world looks bleak.
And I kept it all in my head. I didn't tell anyone what was going on.
As the year progressed, my emotions went further downhill. Over and over I would think of what a failure I was. I would look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, and think that I was so ugly. I wondered if that's what other people saw when they saw me too.
I began to cry every day. Every. Last. Day.
I made it to December, my favorite month of the year, and all I did was cry. I didn't want to talk to my husband about it because I was afraid he would think I was unhappy with my life. I wasn't. I just felt sad every day. I was sad that I wasn't making Christmas fun for my children, but I just couldn't. I was also embarrassed because I couldn't come up with a good reason for feeling the way I was feeling. My life was good, so why was I so sad?
And then I hit an all time low. It was mid December. In the middle of all the Christmas festivities, I found myself curled up in a chair in my house, sick to my stomach with anxiety, and so many crazy thoughts swirling in my head that I couldn't face life. I had responsibilities that I had to bail on. I could not get out of that chair. I could not make myself leave my house.This was an emotional place I had never been before, nor do I ever want to be there again
I suddenly realized I hadn't cooked my family dinner in weeks. To this day, I'm still not sure what they ate during that time. My house was a wreck. I couldn't keep it clean. My life felt like a wreck, I thought maybe I was going crazy.
And then it happened - just a small thought inside my head that spoke loud: "It would be better to die than to live feeling like this."
Tears come to my eyes now as I think about that day. The battle is still fresh, and I'm still healing.
Something clicked inside of me at that moment, and I knew I needed to get help. This was something I couldn't beat on my own. I still wasn't sure what was going on. I hadn't wanted to admit something was wrong up to this point because I've always been a strong, happy woman. I didn't want anyone (including my family) to think I was anything but that.
But, there are some facts about this life that we have to admit -
FACT - Strong women sometimes struggle with depression
FACT - Strong women sometimes have hormonal imbalances
FACT - Strong women sometimes have nervous break downs
FACT - Strong women sometimes have emotional lows that can last a long time
It was time. It was time to get out of that chair, and admit to myself that something was wrong. I was lying on my bedroom floor sobbing, when Dan came in from taking the children for a walk. Normally I go along, but I couldn't get off the floor. He came into the bedroom where I was. I looked up at him and said through my tears, "I think something's wrong with me, and I need to get some help."
I'm pretty sure he knew this already.
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to overcome my problems with just me and Jesus. But may I be so bold as to say, "Sometimes just me and Jesus are not enough?!" I know it sounds a little radical, but when God created Adam he didn't say to him, "Adam, it's just you and Me, you'll never need anything else!" No, God said, "Adam, you need a friend, a helpmeet, another person." And then God gave Adam a beautiful gift, a human being named Eve. And then Adam was complete.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-13 says, "Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."
I learned this lesson the hard way. I have a lot of people that care about me in my life. My parents and my sisters live down the street. I have beautiful, caring friends that have time to listen to me anytime I need them. I have a husband who loves me more than I deserve.
And you know what I did? I hid from them. I hid me from them. Jesus and I were going to deal with my emotional issues by ourselves. I didn't want to admit failure, so I hid. I hid at home. When I did go out, I put my best face on and managed to push through. I just didn't talk about what was really going on.
And it worked. My husband was the only one that knew something was wrong. When my mom found out I hadn't been cooking for weeks, she was appalled that I hadn't asked her for help. I didn't want her to know.
But it was time. I realized I needed to talk to people. I texted a friend who I knew had been through a similar experience. I couldn't call her because I couldn't stop crying. She suggested I see a doctor. I did. I saw two. I talked to my mom and my sister because, frankly, I needed help. You know what? They were there for me. They helped me with my kids and my responsibilities. I shared with another friend the struggles I had been having. Turns out she'd been through this too. I wasn't alone.
Every time I let someone in, healing took place. It was incredible. When I hit that low back in December I thought maybe I would never be well again, but with each person I let in my broken, sad heart, a glimmer of hope emerged. And a little bit of healing took place.
Looking back, I can see God's hand on me through that whole year. He didn't forget about me, even when I doubted Him. There were friends that went out of their way to do random kind things for me, even though they didn't know anything was wrong. My husband changed jobs at work in the fall, and with his new schedule he started being home five days a week. God knew exactly when I would need him so much, and provided a way for him to be there for me and the kids. He has been invaluable to my healing.
I eliminated things from my schedule that were overwhelming to me. I started to say, "no" to people. (This is extremely hard for me.) I prioritized the things that were essential to my life, and let the other things go. I watched funny shows with my husband in the evenings. I know there doesn't seem to be anything spiritual in that, but the Bible says, "A joyful heart is good like medicine." Laughter is definitely medicine to the heart. I started exercising and being in the sunshine whenever I could. It's amazing what a little sun will do! I snuggled with my kids and told them how much I loved them. I worked hard to stop crying all the time.
Most importantly, I admitted to myself that I had a problem and needed to proactively take steps to get better. The easy thing would have been to stay home and wallow in my depressing thoughts, but it wasn't the right thing.
Friend, if you are reading this, you're probably having one of three responses.
First - You're thinking, "Oh my! This is me. I know exactly what you're talking about."
Second - You're remembering a time when you went through a time like this and it's bringing the emotions back with it.
Third - You're a happy person and think this could never be you.
I'm writing this because you are one of those three responses. I've always been number three. Until now, I couldn't understand depression because I had never experienced it. I couldn't understand why people couldn't pull themselves together. Why they wanted to live there. Truth is, no one wants to stay there, but you're not sure what to do about it.
If you are suffering from emotional issues, I want to encourage you to take steps, even small steps towards healing. First and foremost, tell someone. Tell more than one person. Tell people that genuinely care about you because they will take action and help you.
(If you are on the other side, and someone trusts you enough to tell you they are suffering, DO NOT FORGET ABOUT THEM! Go out of your way to make sure they are ok. Do random acts of kindness for them, pray for them, cook their family a meal, send them a card, call and check on them, invite them over, make sure they are getting help. You may be the one God is going to use to help heal them.)
Keep going to church and reading your Bible. This is hard when you don't feel like seeing people and God seems far away. But it is vital. Don't feel like you have to go to every service your church offers, but try to go to one. Come in late and leave early if you have to. Remember there is a spiritual battle going on also. When you're down is when Satan kicks you. He sees an easy target because you're vulnerable. Pray. If you can't pray for yourself, have someone pray for you.
Back off on your responsibilities. It's ok to say no. It's ok not to be superwoman. Focus on yourself and your family for awhile.
Read good books, watch funny shows, talk with friends who make you laugh. Laughing is vital to healing. Take naps, go for walks - lots of them, sit in the sun, eat good food, tell your spouse you need lots of hugs.
If you need to, see a doctor. See a counselor. Turns out I was suffering from low progesterone levels and depression. There is healing for both. A good progesterone cream and these other things I listed above have proved extremely beneficial for me.
I have friends that have needed an anti depressant, and it has helped. Don't feel like Jesus isn't enough if you have to take something to get better. If I ever have cancer, I'm going to pray my heart out, but I'm also going to get treatment. It's ok. Find the treatment that is right for you.
Don't do nothing. Don't get to the point where you think it is better to die than to live. I have friends that have ended their lives because they got to that point and didn't get help. God has given us each a beautiful life to live, and surrounded us with people to help us live it.
Healing is slow, I'm still there. But be patient. It will come.
My life verse is from Deuteronomy 30:19-20 -" I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the Lord your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days..."
Always choose life. Abundant life.
Love and hope to you all.
